Wednesday, June 07, 2006
I feel like i am slamming my head against a brick wall lately. I am so unsatisfied with the last two days of work, but am unsure as to what to do next. I feel like a crazy person, but the type of crazy that you yearn for, the type of crazy that you need to feel sane. It's the frustration that comes with a sense of momentary failure, not knowing just how you're going to pull out of it. I have had similar situations in Thailand and Cambodia when the moments you are witnessing just pass you by and feel stale even though you know they are overflowing with life. I know there is a picture, i know the creative spirit can be found within this moment, but then it's gone - fleeting. The moments are all i have - the decisions and interactions in a moment can change everything. You can never go back, never be the same person.
On the Pine Ridge Reservation i was confronted by a man with a lead pipe. He swung it at my head with an anger in his eyes i have never seen. I didn't flinch because i didn't have time. The pipe never struck and he muttered something in to my scared pale face before he left. I think about that moment because it could have changed everything, and i have to ask was it worth it? I embrace these moments however good or bad in the hope that they will bring me to better things, a newfound understanding of myself and my world. I feel that in my younger years there were things i did not do because i was scared. I let the moment pass me by because of fear. Usually it was the fear of the unknown, the fear to create, the fear of failing, or more likely the fear that you could achieve a level of greatness you never expected, or maybe you did. Maybe i didn't understand the importance of the moment or appreciate it as i do now. With the click of a shutter, 1/60th of a second a moment is captured and will never happen again.
David Leeson elegantly said, "Think of a soul you passed when you wanted to say "hello" and wonder what could have been. Think of a kiss rebuked and wonder what that might have lead to in your life and you will understand the importance of the moment."